They say love comes when you least expect it....and let me say it is better than I ever could have imagined. God sent me my soulmate...and now I begin yet another chapter in my life with a partner whom shares my passion for life and has a heart of gold.
Merry Christmas to all!
To have faith is to believe, and to believe is to live your faith. Everything that happens in this life is for a reason, and the reason is to bring us closer to God.
This life we live is temporary, but our spirits live eternally....all things in this world will end.. my wish for myself, and for all is to live eternally as we were created...In the spirit of love, from God, in union with God.
Always set your sights high, and don't be distracted by temporary illusions....and know that God loves you.
Love...TRUE love, is eternal...
Dear friends..Life is great!!
I am so grateful and blessed...I landed my dream job, am still in school, and just got back from a fabulous vacation...long awaited.....and we had a blast!
The kids are amazing...Zoe is driving, and Madison is growing up fast....I am enjoying every minute...
I love you all for continuing to stay in touch when I myself have been so rarely here...
Love, and be loved,
I'll be 40 years old this year.
They say life Begins at forty, and for me, it couldn't be any more true.
I've spent most of my 39 years being miserable, full of shame, self-hatred, and living in hell.
For nearly 10 years, I was anorexic/bulimic, in and out of nearly every eating disorders’ program throughout the United States, and even Canada. My entire existence revolved around food - too much or too little. I lost my teeth due to the acid from throwing up so much, and I am lucky even to have survived, without having a heart-attack from electrolyte imbalance, or pure starvation, or even intestinal damage from stuffing myself so full that I could not breathe.
I can remember days, where from the moment I woke up, all I did was binge and purge - spending upwards of $400/day on donuts, ice cream pizza cookies - anything I could get my hands on - yet it was never enough...and just as soon as I threw it all up I started binging all over again – It was an endless cycle on a daily basis.
I spent the next 10 years cutting my face - literally cutting holes in my cheeks thinking that there was something to get out - something bad - a root...and again, in the hospital several times, with gaping cuts - only to be told that because I had done so much damage, repair was impossible, because I had literally cut out my skin. I have spent nearly $20,000 on plastic surgeons and doctors- telling them I was in a car accident - having surgical scar revisions, and when they told me they couldn't help me, I performed surgery on myself, ordering , sutures, scalpels and lidocain and needles online from Canada.
The last major surgery I had, was called a 'flap revision' - in which they literally cut my cheeks in half - cut out the scar tissue, and sewed them back together. I had over 100 stitches. I was told by the surgeon that I was lucky because the scar tissue had started growing in towards my facial nerves - and I could have lost all facial movement.
Nearly every day for the last 10 years, I have carried with me at all times nail clippers that I used to clip my skin, and have spent hours still picking at the remaining scars - trying to cut away the bad tissue.
Every spare moment I had, I would spend sitting in front of the bathroom mirror cutting away my skin - believing I was fixing something wrong with me. I watched the blood run down the my cheeks with pleasure, as if it was rinsing away the dirt.
Today, I am free Free from the self-destructive behaviors of my past – not only free - but living a life full of love, peace and intense joy - just for being alive.
I have two beautiful daughters, whom have come out of this ordeal happy, healthy, and thus far unaffected having gotten their mom back - able to love and raise them as they deserve- I have family, faith, and true friends whom I can honestly say that have taught me the meaning of True Unconditional Love - a fairy tale ending, that most only dream of.
I believe in miracles - because I am one, and I believe that I have something very powerful to share - in the hopes that others who suffer as I have - as so many do, will see that there is hope, that it DOES end - and that we are all not only worthy of happiness, but that we are meant to be - as we are created out of love.
My spirit never gave up - my will, my GOD GIVEN WILL, got me through the toughest times of my life, because deep down, in the midst of it all - I never gave up - I got up every day, and tried again - no matter how miserable I was, how ugly I felt, how many band aids or stitches I had on my face – I got up every morning and did it again – living a life that on the outside appeared very normal, but was torment for me on the inside….but I never gave up – because I had hope of a better life.
And now, I know that it was worth it. It is because I had Faith that I am here today, and it is my Faith that healed me.
I wouldn't take back one second of my life to be where I am today. I MADE IT!!!
And, WOW, it is truly spectacular. There have been times where I thought I knew - yet never did it come close to this feeling of complete and utter truth.
It is an overwhelming sense of joy - so much more than I ever imagined possible - and the energy I feel - like a butterfly, which has just gotten its wings - a hummingbird - flying joyously amongst the flowers
I GET IT
I get the meaning of life - its beauty and wisdom overtakes me as I soar amongst the heavens.
I mourn for those who are without, for those still trapped in the torments of hell itself,....as EVERYONE should know this universal truth.
It is a gift from the heavens that has been bestowed upon ME - and I feel called upon to share it.
There is no turning back. The future is bright, full of possibility. I am empowered. A loving force of nature itself, alive, sharing life, made from love itself, the virginal birth of life, out of love...the resurrection of spirit.
I have been dead, and now am alive.
This is glory, this is God's mercy on those who suffer. This is LOVE, POWER, and TRUTH in itself.
And it is real.
Love overcomes all
NOTHING can touch it.
I have been given the greatest gift of all - life, and I wish to share mine with others.
I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. The memory of this tragedy remained trapped deep within my mind, although its presence was obvious all throughout my body, and in the events of my life.
For nearly 40 years, I have suffered. This memory has been trying to make itself known all along, but every time it came close to surfacing, I ran away from it, as far as I could run. It was simply too frightening, utterly too painful and I wasn’t ready to face the truth.
It wasn’t until I stopped running, and began to take control of my own life, that it became known.
Then, I was able to see the harsh reality I had been running from.
I have been rewarded the opportunity to live my life as it were meant to be. I am alive, and have purpose. For what reason does one suffer so much tragedy, if not to share my struggles with others, so that they also may have hope.
So that they also shall find redemption. So that they too, will be freed from the grips of hell itself.
This gift that I have been given is meant for EVERYONE,
This is MY story, but I know it is one that many others share.
And if you only know ONE thing about me, it's that I speak the TRUTH
I have looked demons in the eye, and they bowed down
I have seen the face of evil, and was protected
The devil wanted to take me, because he lives in darkness
And he sees the light in me.
I have literally slept with the devil, yet he could not take
What is not meant for him
As I am made of pure love
My heart beats of God
It’s been 35 years since you left me that day, never to return again.
My ENTIRE life, until recently has been full of sorrow, pain, and torment. I have endured more than any child , woman, or man should EVER have to.
You RAPED me. You killed the spirit I once had. YOUR actions. YOUR selfishness. YOUR needs…took away from me my innocence, my purity, my JOY.
You stole it, and you had NO right to take it from me.
It was MINE, and for ME.
I want YOU to know the ramifications of your actions. I want you to know EXACTLY what you did to me, and how horrific it is.
I have suffered. I have hurt myself in ways that NO ONE deserves – even the most evil on this earth do not deserve the punishment I bestowed upon myself.
I have spent nearly 40 years of my life dead, buried alive in the soils of guilt, shame, fear, and neglect…and it is YOU that shoveled the dirt.
You ROBBED me of my life.
You took my body, when it was NOT yours to have. You took advantage of my GOODNESS, my love for YOU, and you used it get what you wanted, as a THIEF in the night.
I have PUNISHED MYSELF, for YOUR actions. I have hurt myself on behalf of you.
Every day, I have relived what you did to me. I cut myself open and you did, when you entered my body. I have bled the blood that ran down my legs. I have felt the pain that you inflicted upon me. I have suffocated myself as you did, when you were on top of me.
I have screamed out loud in my head as I did then, over and over and over every single day.
You cut me open, ripped out my insides, and took with you my soul. You left me bleeding, with an open wound, and no one to tend to it.
My face bears the scars resulting from wounds that I have inflicted upon myself.
I have literally cut holes in my face and then sewn them back together trying to make myself whole again.
I have felt dirty and unworthy of God’s love.
Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I have born the consequences of YOUR actions.
It is your turn.
I am DONE punishing myself. I have carried YOUR guilt long enough. YOU CAN HAVE IT
You earned it, not me.
I have taken back my life.
The TRUTH shall set you free.
It took nearly 40 years for me to be able to see it. Years I spent running away, because it was simply too horrific for me to see.
I loved you. I trusted you. I needed you, and you used my love to hurt me!
My father raped me. My daddy, who was supposed to love and protect me, raped me.
What kind of love is that?
You lied to me. You deceived me and You manipulated me.
That is NOT love.
You took my daughters’ mother away from them, as I was not able to give them the love that THEY so badly needed. And you took my mother away from me, leaving her with her own void to fill.
I have been healed.
My broken heart is whole again, and my spirit lifted, as if arose from the dead.
I have been granted wisdom through the love of God.
My sorrow turned to joy, my pain and suffering now gone, I am alive, and filled with grace. God’s mercy on me, his child. The true unconditional love of a father, my True father.
I can forgive you, and wish you no harm. I hope that you are able to ask for forgiveness yourself, as you also have within you the same spirit as I, as we are all created equal and from the same light.
I pray that you will come to know this, as I have and that you will be set free from the prison I know you have lived in for so long.
Shall set YOU free.
A TRIBUTE TO MY DAUGHTERS
This is a tribute to my two daughters, who loved me unconditionally when I could not love myself, and whose love for me got me through some of the most difficult times in my life. For even though I was not able to give you the love that you both are so worthy of,
My love for you kept me alive, and always moving forward.
I named you after the Mother of God, the Life Giving Spring
As you gave me life that I had not known before – the life of a Mother – the Joy of being a mother, and the knowledge of the purest form of love there is. I only knew it for a brief time, but the memory stayed with me always. I mourned this loss for many years, and even though you may not have known it, I have loved you every second. You have the gift of spirit, and the love in your heart for Me, has been the greatest gift you could ever give me, and it has been an honor to know you and see the woman that you are becoming. I am so sorry that I was not able to be there when you needed me the most. Causing you pain was never my intention, and I hope that you know just how much I love you, always.
I look forward to becoming a bigger part of your life, and sharing my experiences with you.
You are joy in itself. Just being around you is a Treat.
Your Spirit brightens up the darkness of any cloud.
You came unexpectedly – but so much needed. I had lost my way, and you helped me find it. God gave me you, and he entered my life through you. Your love for me – your constant reminders have been messages that I so badly needed to hear – only it took me a while to listen. I love you – and it has been you that has taught me how to find joy in my life.
You are named after Mary Magdeline – the Sister of the Mother of God. You have always told me the truth – and kept me in check. You have witnessed things in my life that no child should ever have to see – and I hope that as I heal, so will the memories of me hurting myself. I pray that I will be able to give you the unconditional love that you have always had for me, and that you will always know how special you are.
I hope to be an example to you both of what a Mother IS, and that by my own journey, you will learn how find and seek true ,and KNOW what it means to truly love and respect yourself…and to love others as you would Yourself.
For you both have the Spirit of love within you, and are by definition, what love is.
Thank you both.
I love you,
A great friend wrote this for me and I love it!!!!
So Cal Love
(beat: Always There (pressure) Ronnie Laws
What’s poppin dime piece- baby what ya know?
I've been lovin on your swagga since the word go-
You got style and class and I dig your flow-
With a heart so sweet, make sugar go –
You say "Whoa, I gotta have that, Yo!"
Plus you're fine and cute-a baby doll for sho'
Stayin right on point- and repelling ho's
and you right on time just like Dominos-
Got brothers on sprung like The Tigger show-
Erasin hater rade nation like G.I. Joe-
Then you roast marshmallows from the napalm glow-
Makin hearts beat faster than Flo-Jo-
And they can't keep up, like escargot-
As you rise to the top like cookie dough-
Dropping bombs on competition like Riddick Bowe-
Left right uppercut, hijack the cargo-
Leaving Scrubs feeling flat like a Shaq free throw-
And yo booty be bouncing like a puff Afro- '
Make love so sweet it'll curl your toes-
You going ooooo-la-la like Cheerios-
Put a smile on your face like tight Cornrows-
Leaving hearts more broken than a hammer blow-
Slashing up backstabbers like Zorro,
And gaming punk-ass marks like tic-tac-toe ;
Have your man's jaw dropping and his nature grow-
Don’t nobody come close- But you don't hear me tho-
How bout you and me together on the down low?
We can get back stage right after the show-
Then it's off to the races and the rodeo-
Baby girl and her Dawg-We about to blow-
Oh damn… Girl you so fine
Hell Yeah – Baby girl, I wish you were mine
Oh damn… Girl, you so fine..
Hell Yeah – Baby girl, I wish you were mine..
I wish you were mine
I wish you were mine
Hell Yeah - Baby girl, I wish you were mine
Somewhere in Southern Cali where the warm winds blow
A bitch ass fool is smacking on Jane Doe
Why a man would choose to that - don’t nobody know
He must have thought he was Magic -it’s a give and go
Why you wanna beat a queen like a pinball machine?
When you run out of balls - and then you flee the scene
Then you put her on tilt but you don’t feel no guilt
Till the judge throw your ass in the cage they built
“Oh no baby girl I would never do that!”
And then she turn her damn back and she got pimp slapped
Now you sitting in a cell doing 10 and up to 20
She took your Land Rover, ice, crib and all your fuckin money
You may ask why this burn took a nasty turn?
Cause violence and love is how some people learn
When you got no heart and you twisted, man
Beat downs and love go with a pimpin hand
Be it Ike- Tina Turner, Rihanna or lovely Halle
It’s just another fine day on the beach in Southern Cali
Oh damn… Girl you so fine
Hell Yeah – Baby girl, I wish you were mine
Oh damn… Girl, you so fine..
Hell Yeah –Baby girl, I wish you were mine..
I wish you were mine
I wish you were mine
Hell Yeah - Baby girl, I wish you were mine
With the vocal styling that they call top shelf
Make you jump back, click your heels and kiss yourself
Boom shaka-laka- Like I told You So
Bulldog and his crew gonna rock this show
We da Microphone checka and apple bottom wrecka
When I Step up to the Plate – It’s Gonna be an Upper Decker
Oh yeah – And with these Rhymes so Tight – And Just Like Chubb Rock said – You Better Treat Em Right!
*I'M * + . + . . * + .JUST + * . * + * . + *DANCING ..* + . + . . * +TWIRLING . + * . * SWIRLING , *ACROSS. + * THE STARS+ * + .. + * + *WITH * + *THE * + ** + **MAGIC . * + .* . . *OF .* . + . YOUR *+ KISS * + * * . + THE * + . *+ UNIVERSE + .. IS + * BLISS* + . +YOU’LL * + * - FOREVER + ** + * + * BE + * MY HEART+ * +
Writing, dancing to a good beat, eating popsicles (I love em!), and a big fat steak. Seeing the smile on my daughters face....
I've had an eventful life - but can honestly say I live simply now - not without the ordianary struglges. I still put the milk in the cupboard and turn the coffee maker on without any grounds...and laugh at myself all the time...just a big goog - a kid at heart.
I love connecting with people - a true Gemini - and truly thrive on it...I am passionate about life, and try to make each day one of substance.
Real to the bone - my life's an 'open book' of which I continue to write each day.
I LOVE being a woman - and believe ALL woman are AMAZING. I can finally celebrate my womanhood...without shame or vanity - the pics you will see reflect health and happiness - not an identity based on physicality...but a WHOLE person...Mind, Body, Spirit...
Running another Marathon this fall!
Nice and simple am I - and real as they come.
Life has taught me a few good lessons...
If you're my friend on Jango...You are helping to spread love to the world....
I walk the walk.....plain and simple, and I am EXACTLY who I say I am....and am so very grateful for the life I have been given.
Of all the things I love about JANGO (besides the MUSIC of course) is the ability to share and connect with people all over the world. For me, it is a great opportunity to share what I have been given...
Deception of Love.....Some of my writing....A metaphor to think about......................
When I met him, I was withered, having been betrayed by many and longing desperately to meet my Prince Charming, one who would truly love me, and more importantly, make me feel loved.
We talked for hours on end, and he listened attentively as I opened my heart to him. He, like me, had been through a lot, and we could relate to each others’ pain. We just connected, on a very basic level, and as we grew close, I found myself more and more attracted to him.
He was tall and handsome. He radiated manliness. I was immediately attracted to him, like a magnet, I drew near, and the close I got, the stronger the pull.
One night, as we were talking, our hands met, and before I knew it, we were tangled in a sea of passion. It was intense, and unlike anything I had ever experience – it was hot, and we were on fire. His kiss was deep and wild, and I was engulfed with passion. It was pure and raw, and completely uninhibited.
His eyes pierced me with desire. He wanted me and I knew it. I loved it, to feel his need, and when he laid his hands on me
I felt the waves of electricity flow through my body as if I had been lit on fire
And fire it was
I was dry as the desert, and my skin parched, and the heat sparked raging flames of desire fueled by my thirst
I had turned to dust, and the slightest wind was about to blow me away. I was desperate for substance. My life was empty, and I longed to be loved, to feel loved, and special.
He was the answer to my prayers, my knight in shining armor, come to rescue me from my despair.
The flames of my desire for him were all consuming
I morphed into a famished beast, starving, and I attacked. Biting away the raw meat as if I hadn’t eaten for months. Licking furiously at his loins
He tasted GOOD
My mouth bathed in the taste of his skin, I could feel his pulse as I ripped into his thighs
The flavor of his body was intoxicating, and the pleasure I felt was pure ecstasy
My body convulsed in waves of pleasure that I had never even thought possible
Licking and biting the raw meat of his manhood I became a like wild animal
I devoured him. I was insatiable. With every bite I felt more alive.
He nourished me, and fed me. He was my elixir of pain, my cocktail of sensation and escape from the barren life I had known.
Together, we built an atomic bomb, feeding on itself and exploding with need.
I would do anything for him.
He had brought me back to life, and I could not live without him,
He was the cure of all my ailments and he alone soothed my pain.
He knew exactly what I needed. He understood my suffering. He had felt it himself. He numbed my pain, and with him I no longer ached.
I felt alive, but my life was dependant on his love. I did not want to lose him. I could not stand the thought. With him, I felt complete.
He was possessive, and full of jealousy. He said he didn’t trust me. The slightest things made him angry, and his anger scared me…not because I was afraid of him, but because I was afraid of losing him.
I could not bear it, to not have his pleasure, to return to my state of starvation as I had been before.
He feared that if I wandered too far from his grasp, he would lose me to another,
I wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him. I wanted him to need me as much as I needed him...
To love me as I loved him…unconditionally.
I had seen beauty in his soul, and knowing what lied within the walls of his insecurity and fear, I could not give up. He was simply too magnificent, and I wanted to free him, to be the key that unlocked him from the prison I knew he was in. I knew that once he realized that I was true, that he could trust me, and that I was everything he could ever want and more, our bond would be invincible.
As our relationship progressed, he gave just enough, but never enough. He was constantly searching for a reason to doubt me – going through my things, and thinking that I was lying to him about where I was when I was away from him. It was a game he played. One minute we were close, and the next he was accusing me of betrayal and lies. It was agony for me, as I was powerless. I could not control his faulty beliefs.
But I wanted to. I wanted more. I craved his touch. I lived in the memory of his caress, and the ecstasy that went along with it, and I could not give up my attempts to win him over.
I wanted to prove to him that he could trust me. I wanted him to give me that feeling of complete and absolute bliss all the time, I needed to feel his love, I craved it, and it ached in the deepest way.
I surrendered to his power. I gave him control, and he took it, greedily, and used it to hurt me.
I did everything he asked. My entire existence revolved around him, and earning his love.
I made sacrifices on his behalf. I worshiped him, and I laid down my life to serve him. I gave up everything. All I wanted to do was be with him, for him to touch me and make love to me as he had before.
But no matter how much I gave, no matter what I did, it was never enough, and he still couldn’t trust. Without his trust, he couldn’t love me completely and he held back from me the love I had felt before. I felt rejected, and it hurt. I was deeply pained, and broken-hearted. This caused me great sorrow, as I had truly done it all. I did all he wanted, yet he still didn’t believe that I was faithful, that I loved him.
What was I to do?
He was all I had, as I gave up my family and my friends for him. I sacrificed time with my children, had given him money, sex, clothes, drugs – and my love – all of it went to him. I had nothing left, and still neither he, nor I was satisfied.
I became depressed, miserable in my present state, yet he no longer provided refuge. I was desperate, and I was draining slowly to empty. I could feel the life seeping from my soul. I had lost myself in him, and was floating alone in a sea of despair.
He thought there was something wrong with me, and said I was crazy. In my moments of sadness, he abandoned me, and I was all alone.
The waves of self-hatred and regret crashed on me like the tsunami, destroying all hope.
I drifted in the turbulence of torment, and struggled to stay afloat, flooded by the swells of my tears. I was lost in the current, unable to see solid ground.
I feared I would die, and was overcome with the regret of my life, and the position I was now in.
In a moment of sheer desperation, I called my mother. I begged her to stay on the line as I cried hysterically. Please don’t hang up, I begged. I need help and I don’t know what to do! I am scared, and I have no one.
She listened as I bared my soul, revealed my weakness, and my regret. The woman whom I had all but kicked out of my life, because of this man, was there for me. She was the lifeline that delivered hope.
She reminded me of my faith. That God could save me from the hell I was in, and as I listened to her, I began to feel calm, and a ray of hope shined forth deep within my soul.
I remembered who I was, and who made me. God created me and gave me life.
A God whose love for man allowed him to sacrifice his own Son for the salvation of all who believe in him.
I have never doubted that God exists. I doubted my ability to love him, and be worthy of his love. I had lived a life of sin, and knowingly committed acts that were unpleasing to God; I had broken his commandments over and over again, deliberately in my attempts to find love and to feel loved. But in this moment of sheer despair, as I listened to my Mother speak, I realized that I myself was a part of God, as he is my creator, and that I, at the very core of my existence, I AM LOVE, as God is within me and I in him. With this realization, came my rescue.
In what now seems like a mere second in time, God himself reached in and pulled me from the fire. He saved me.
In my most wretched state, God did not abandon me.
I was filled with his loving mercy, and truly, grateful. I felt his love for me throughout every cell, and my heart rejoiced in its glory. Never have I known a love as powerful as this. This love is glory, power, joy, strength, and freedom in itself. It travels higher than any physical pleasure that I have ever known, and with it, there is no fear.
I no longer need or want this man whom I thought I loved so much. I have something better, that is not based on need. I have love – true, unconditional love.
It is solid and it is everlasting and now, having experienced it for myself, there is no turning back.
All that I have ever wanted or needed I have, and it is all within me. I am complete.
I can now live my life as it was meant to be – full of joy. I am alive and sharing life. I am loved and able to love.
I dedicate my life to God, and I strive daily to do his will, and I trust that he will guide me.
There is absolutely no doubt, and as I look back on the events of my life, my past sorrows, and failed relationships, I realize that it is because I failed to trust in God, that I was led astray.
This man, whom I loved so much, did not love me. He couldn’t, because he had not love in his heart, as real love comes from God. He despised God, and had closed the door for God to enter.
He used me. He manipulated me. He took advantage of my vulnerability.
But I still love him, because I have the love of God within me, and my love is real, unconditional, forgiving, and pure. I do not judge or condemn. I want for him to know this, and I pray that someday he will come to know this for himself, as even he is worthy of God’s love.
I was weak, vulnerable, and full of need. I searched in all the wrong places, yet, I was delivered here, where I am today, because of God’s love for me. He wants me to be with him as he does everyone, and to live with him in Heaven.
Oh, and did I mention the name of the man?
Heaven is loving God
Hell is being without God’s love
I have known both
And I choose Heaven
Without a doubt
The world is full of false love...drugs, money, sex, need for power...are just a few....This 'man' could have been any one of them....as they all steer us away from the Truth......
don't watch it much
Slumdog Millionaire, The Kite Runner, Finding Nemo, and the Aristocats, and Stir Crazy - one of my all time faves...
The Unbearable Likeness of Being, and anything by Anaiis Nin, the Bible, The Road Less Traveled, and...the one I'm writing....
Exerpt of sorts....
Funny How I’ve been to Church my whole life – yet haven’t ever been able to comprehend – really – the meaning of the services – and see the true beauty of the hymns and prayers.
So many references to demons – prayers toward them off and asking for God’s mercy –
What is a demon – I know them well – and have fought them all my life.
I’ve felt at times as if I was being attacked from every direction. So many times, I fell for the deception – lured by false promises of love and happiness – all I’ve ever wanted, and needed so badly.
A demon is anything that takes me away from being myself – being true to MY values. I’ve always instinctively known who I am – and those times when I haven’t acted accordingly – when I didn’t follow my heart – when I have done wrong – stolen, lied, pretended to be someone I wasn’t – I suffered for it – because I wasn’t free – I was trapped by the temptations all around me – I chose to act and do otherwise – because I was starving, because I wasn’t solid - I wasn’t confident in who I am. Because I didn't TRUST.
I doubted myself – I didn’t value or respect myself – still believing that I was bad – I did ‘bad’ things – as if I was proving to myself that I was bad. Bad people bad things, they lie, cheat and steal – they pretend to be something they are not -and that’s exactly what I did.
But I was cheating myself, lying to myself, and denying myself what in essence, I needed so badly, and the ironic thing is – I knew it all the time – I just chose not to see.
Why would make such a choice – why would I choose to be miserable – to live in guilt, shame and self-denial?
Because I was weak, because I was vulnerable and needy – and because I was traped in fear...desperate to fill a void within myself and frantically sought to fill it –
In all the wrong ways.
And I was lured and tempted by the demons of the world. If it hadn’t been for my family, and the Church I was raised in, I would have been lost. They were always there for me, even though I had shut them out, and when I was truly at my lowest point, it was them that guided me back to God.
What I needed, I have always had within me – in fact, and I have always been able to give it to others – just not myself.
Unconditional love – it’s a beautiful thing
And the most beautiful thing is that it’s free for the taking – we are all spiritual beings living a human existence – born out of love – meant to live life reflecting the love that is our true spirit.. Godly love – pure and simple
Yet, being that we live in the world, we become tainted by worldly definitions – deceived by what we see in the world on a daily basis as to what love is – sex, physical beauty, drug and alcohol addiction – pleasure, fun..Attention to the physical that steers us away from our true selves – and then, we are left feeling empty, depleted, and shallow.
It is deception of the worst kind – and it is everywhere.
I realize now where I have been deceived – and I know now more than ever how vigilant I must be in taking care of MYSELF and sticking true to my values.
It is a great gift that I have been given – to be able to see clearly what IS and ISN’T – what is REAL and what is deception, and I choose to take care of MYSELF – being of God -and the rewards I get in return are simply amazing.
I am alive – present, and full of life – love – true love – I am true to myself – being myself – no guilt, no shame
I am FREE
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And here is a link to my personal blog. Any and all are welcome to read:
www.pnn.com search for blogger name 'spirit' - That's me!